The Difference is Courage11:59am Saturday, July 25 2009 “That’s a crazy idea! Is that even allowed? You are contradicting what is WRITTEN! You aren’t keeping the teachings PURE! There will be consequences! Nobody has ever done it that way before! What will others think? Who do you think you are?”
On occasion… and especially during the major evolutionary phases of my life, I have encountered this kind of feedback. From time to time, I get these ideas and “guidance” that conflict with my past teachings. I don’t know how it happens, but I start to question my past conclusions. I start to question what I "KNOW". This questioning leads to new decisions and adventures into the UNKNOWN. However… I can’t ever remember this process being simple or comfortable!
I noticed that regardless of whether I decide to maintain “status-quo” or move into unchartered territory, I still feel fear. How I respond to that fear gives me two very different experiences.
Scenario ONE: I become frozen in my tracks which usually leads to depression. I stuff my true feelings… I shrink… I contract… I conform. I decide I can't.
Scenario TWO: The fear becomes fuel for action. I decide I can. I stumble, I bumble, I feel anxious, but I move forward anyways and I always discover something new about me which ends up being of benefit to all.
The difference is COURAGE. Courage is a multifunctional medicine that comes from my heart. It is ACTION and it is GUIDANCE. But the guidance can be confusing because it doesn't necessarily have references to past experience or education. The tricky part is that it's usually just a FEELING. It's not tangible with physical substance or historical grit. “How can I take action based on a feeling? What if I am wrong?” And yet, I have this inherent KNOWING that this intangible guidance is wise, loving and benevolent. I can’t explain it to anyone without getting the “deer in the headlights” response. I try to get permission from someone… ANYONE… but in the end, I have to get that permission from myself.
Scared, uncertain and cautious... I take my seat in my boat of courage. I move into the flow of this guidance and float forward into the "unknown". I relax and let go. There is nothing to fear with my heart steering the way!
Inset Photo: Canoe trip, Tortuguero, Costa Rica (04/04)
Freedom in Forgiveness10:48am Saturday, June 20 2009 “What more would be possible if we could let this all go?” This was the question asked of me via text by someone who I had not spoken to in over 4 years. I felt I had let it go and forgiven myself and her. For the most part I was peaceful about it all. I had come to realize what was hers and what was mine. I had moved from overwhelming emotion to peaceful reflection. I was comfortable with the physical distance between us and felt no need to reconnect… and yet… her face often appeared in my meditations & in my dreams. So if I had truly let this go, why was I resistant to having a simple conversation? Just behind resistance lies the biggest opportunity for healing and growth.
The empowerment that I experienced during and after that conversation is beyond words. I learned that permission to be ME is something I give myself. I realized that I was afraid of expressing ME… afraid of the reaction and afraid of my reaction TO the reaction. I decided that the risk in hiding was far more painful than the risk in expressing. I realized that courage is the bridge that moves me from fear to love. For me, the final layer of forgiveness was about dissolving fear. As a result, I AM free to be me.
Inset Photo: Hiking in Monkman Park (08/05) Managing Our Inner Fire3:07pm Wednesday, April 22 2009 "Which will you choose… the pain of discipline or the pain of regret?” The question hung in the air as I stood at the cross-roads of a big career decision. The pain of indecision was excruciating. Again and again, I returned to the negotiating table in my mind and weighed my options. In my gut, I was being “called out” but I didn’t like it. It was too obscure. How could I make a life decision based on a mere feeling that I needed to make a change? What if I was wrong? The next steps were unclear. I wanted a blueprint… some guarantees. But nobody could give me with that. I decided to wait “one more year”.
My once sparkling motivation and burning desire to do my best turned into a smoldering, festering bitterness that systematically dismantled my health. Clenching teeth, a failing gallbladder, migraines and a growing mistrust of my own judgment choked off my enthusiasm. Angry? You bet. I was angry at myself because I refused to listen to what I knew I needed to do but was too afraid to do it.
11 months later, I chose the pain of discipline to endure the short term discomfort of the unknown and the unpopularity from others about my decision. I realized that the pain of regret is about accepting powerlessness. I decided that I am more powerful than fear. My anger transformed into the fire of creative possibilities and the universe rewarded my courage.
Inset Photo: Richard in Au Nang, Thailand, (04/06) Tilling Prosperity3:53pm Tuesday, April 14 2009 “How fair is a garden amid the trials and passions of existence.” - Benjamin Disraeli
I am quite enthusiastic about the development of a small garden in my wee backyard this year. It matters not whether better homes and gardens would approve. It matters not what the bounty will be in the fall. What matters most to me is how I prepare the soil, how I plant the seeds and the way in which I will stand back, unattached from the results… knowing that the real fruit is in the process itself. This is true prosperity consciousness for me. Bringing my “best me” forward and allowing the process to be a continuous evolution of my spirit and my consciousness.
At the end of the day, after discouraging visits from neighbor dogs, thwarting infestations, plucking weeds and tilling soil, I will scrub my hands, stretch out my muscles, admire my green thumbs and wait the results in blissful peace.
Inset Photo: Petunia garden, Chiang Mai, Thailand (04/06) Developing our Prosperity Mindset10:46am Wednesday, April 1 2009 University was an interesting time for me. Student loan in tow, I was not buying into the whole “starving student” persona... after all I had a bank balance! I invested in Christmas gifts for family, restaurant dining, wardrobe expansion and even an expensive fad diet to manage the results of the restaurant dining. It wasn’t long before the coffers were depleted and even a full time job at MacDonalds couldn’t get the financial boat back on course. After year two and a half, I traded in the picture frame that would hold my degree for a full time job and stepped boldly into the next chapter of my adult life.
I learned that whatever I focus on with emotional intensity, whether it is lack or plenty, leads to my results. I descended into a “poor me” mental position not just because of my financial ignorance, but because there was a belief hanging in my closet that said “you don’t deserve to be prosperous”. For me, the key to shifting my results was to de-clutter my “belief-closet”.
Today I stand in the current of prosperity and notice that an abundant supply flows from upstream. I notice how the downstream flows peacefully around the obstacles in its path. I know that all currents flow to the ocean of abundant possibilities. I deserve to be prosperous.
Inset Photo: Goosebay, coast of Prince Rupert, BC (08/04) The Courage to Accept Change7:25pm Wednesday, March 25 2009 I used to race stock cars and there was a rule that you couldn’t have a rear view mirror. I think it was partially due to the hazards of glass on the track in the event of a crash, but more so: to level out the playing field. At the start of the race, the officials would go around and smash any mirrors they found with a ball-peen hammer. It took courage to focus forward on that track with no reference to what was coming up behind you. We had to dig deep: trust our skills and instincts while racing at break neck speed. I remember how it felt to walk off the track, maybe with a trophy, and maybe not. It wasn’t the finishing line that I most remembered; it was the accomplishment of navigating that track without ending up in a wreck.
What a metaphor for life! It takes courage to stop looking in the rear view mirror of our histories, to venture into the unknown and “unprecedented changes” that lie ahead. Feeling courage doesn’t mean we aren’t afraid, it just means we take heart full action. Action borne from the stuff that transforms fear into motivation. It helps me to say to myself, “Brenda, you are okay. No matter what lies ahead, you have the right stuff to face it. Just breathe… stop resisting and relax into it. You know that the universe will reward your courage by providing guidance and help along the way.”
Then I lift my bow and arrow, I draw back my bow string and release the light of my courage into the darkness.
Inset Photo: Mom near lava beds, NW coast of BC (08/07) Peaceful Detachment3:29pm Tuesday, March 17 2009 “Hmmmmm... that’s interesting.”
I have found this to be the best response I can offer when in the company of opposing opinions. It doesn’t declare agreement or disagreement. It’s not an attack or a defence. It is neutral enough to deflate building emotion and frankly... it buys me some time!
Consider the ultimate Zen Master -- the cat. Detachment is her middle name and emotion moves through her as quick as it arises. In the space of one minute, she can shift from “Back off bucko” to the trespassing neighbour cat to “Aren’t I cute” to tasty treats being prepared in the kitchen. She races across the room to investigate a rogue piece of lint and in mid stride stops to lick her back leg. While some call her aloof, I see her as a master of her emotions.
Peaceful detachment is stepping back from the “attack”. It’s choosing to view a perceived setback or challenge from a different vantage point. I have to constantly remind myself that my ego’s mission is to “bite the hook” and engage in the drama every time. By increasing my awareness I am empowered and in the next challenge I face I am more likely to choose peace over the need to be right.
Namaste.
Inset Photo: Beloved Casey 1:06pm Tuesday, March 3 2009 I HAVE A CHOICE
"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom."
-Viktor Frankl
On the yoga mat we use the breath to transition from one posture to the next. That breath prepares our muscles and our mind for the change in position. In the same way when we are confronted with life challenges, we can pause to release the sting of emotion and then choose our actions deliberately.
When we react emotionally, we are often unbalanced and vulnerable. By saying YES to "the pause" we make decisions and choices from a place of grounded power. Practice this by noticing the pause between breaths. Notice the possibilities inherent in that pregnant pause... possibilities borne from personal power.
Inset Photo: My yoga teacher Anand-ji meditating at the ashram in India. (12/06) 3:53pm Thursday, December 4 2008 “Who among us hasn't envied a cat's ability to ignore the cares of daily life and to relax completely?” - Karen Brademeyer
For nearly 18 years, Casey was my Zen master… teaching me through example about true relaxation and detachment. I always marveled at how she could be running at top speed and stop suddenly to lick her leg. She taught me that self care is more important than the pursuit of anything.
She was one of my closest companions… often sleeping on my chest to offer her warmth and purring to heal what ailed me. She taught me that rest was the best medicine on the market. She taught me about forgiveness when I realized that the food I had been lovingly feeding her contributed to her kidney disease. She taught me about patience and unconditional love as she waited for me for 12 hours in silent pain while I struggled with the decision to assist her in her passing.
Thank you Casey for 18 memory-filled years. I hope that I can model your teachings as well as you did.
My Affirmations: I find peace in the space between here and there. I relax, I let go, life flows. There is more than enough time to do everything.
Inset Photo: Casey catching some sun rays. 6:47pm Sunday, May 25 2008 "When you live your life with an appreciation of coincidences and their meanings, you connect with the underlying field of infinite possibilities."
- Deepak Chopra
In literature about animal symbolism, the energy of an elephant is said to assist us in attuning to Mother Earth’s ancient wisdom. Just prior to the 2004 Tsunami that hit Thailand and neighboring countries, elephant trainers reported their elephants “going crazy”, bellowing unusual sounds and stampeding for higher ground. How is it they could hear Mother Earth’s warning and we could not? Felt like a lesson in there somewhere to me.
During our visit to Thailand, Richard and I experienced the grace and majesty of these creatures as we enjoyed the privilege of riding on their backs. One particular trek stands out. Coincidentally, both of our mothers are named Shirley. Get this… Five minutes into this particular trek, we learn that our elephant is named “Shirley”. Coincidence or a big neon sign trying to get our attention? Sitting atop of one of “Mother” Earth’s renowned messengers, it was difficult to ignore the significance of this incident. Elephants are also well known for their enduring memories. I made a note myself to never FORGET this experience.
Since our visit to Thailand, Richard and I have taken a closer look at the footprints we leave behind in our consumption & enjoyment on “Mother Earth”.
My Affirmations: I am open to the guidance in meaningful coincidences. I take responsibility for all my choices and how they affect the planet.
Inset Photo: Riding Shirley in Koh Chang, Thailand (03/06) 7:20pm Sunday, May 4 2008 "It is not how much you do, but how much Love you put into the doing that matters." - Mother Teresa
While in India at the yoga ashram, I experienced the practice of Karma Yoga - the yoga of "selfless service". At first our group chores were embraced as a great opportunity to get to know each other. But enthusiasm quickly evolved to irritation and the practice sadly became just another thing to "get done". Some students said they resented the fact that it wasn't a personal choice they could make. Our teachers decided to make the practice optional. Reflecting back, many of us clearly did not understand the deeper meaning behind the practice.
I have been known to invest in "people pleasing" and so was personally quite happy to be of service. Wow… did I miss the point entirely! I can now see that I was feeding an ego-identification of being a hero through giving. Only now have I become aware of these ego-motives and how this behavior has not served me or the greater good.
I realize now that Karma Yoga is not about martyrdom, charity or the development of a resume. It’s about the quality of energy I invest in moving each rock and NOT the size of the pile of rocks I eventually move. It's about being present in the doing and not the anticipation of the hip-hip-hoorays at the end of the job. Big difference. The practice of Karma Yoga is about bringing my best self forward in every moment from start to finish without attachment to end results. When I do this, a powerful energy flows into the action bringing peace & contentment that affects every participant, spectator & benefactor on levels that are beyond my understanding. Karma Yoga is about making every moment count. It’s about experiencing the remarkable in the mundane.
My affirmations: The light in me recognizes the light in you. Every action is a signature of the sacred within me.
Inset photo: Piling rocks at the Ashram, Yoga University, India (11/06) 5:00pm Friday, April 18 2008 "The really happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery when on a detour." - Unknown
Upon my arrival in Mumbai, India, I began to realize that Cindy might not be showing up to meet as previously planned. Stubborn denial of my reality was not warmly accepted by a couple of nervous airport security guards who told me that I needed to leave. Their words; "Your friend is not coming" felt brutally honest & really out of place in my well orchestrated plan. I began to panic and feel very alone. What had happened to Cindy? What was I going to do now? Ahhhh...the beginning of my detour...
A well meaning travel guide took me to "the newest hotel in Mumbai"... so new it was still under construction. I realized that I was allowing fatigue, confusion and fear to give me the experience of being a victim. It was time to take back my power and review my resources. Acceptance, gut instinct and email. I convinced my new Indian friend that although "rest & be happy" was great advice, I really needed to get to an internet cafe. Here I learned that Cindy's flight from Abu Dhabi had been delayed by 24 hours. She would be arriving the next morning & could I arrange a taxi to take us to the Ashram? BIG sigh of relief... Now I could enjoy my detour.
This experience reconnected me to the POWER in the present moment. I realized that by fighting my circumstances, I was giving up all my power. Acceptance isn't giving up, it's slowing down & recognizing that in any given moment you can choose to be okay regardless of the circumstances. Our circumstances do not define us. Thank you India for the lesson!!
My affirmations: I choose to be okay in this moment. I access the power within me THROUGH acceptance of the present moment as it is.
Inset photo: Cindy in Nasik, India (11/06) 6:05pm Friday, April 11 2008 "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." - Hamlet
The Dalai Lama is an interesting person to observe. Exiled from his country at the age of 23, he has spent almost 50 years living as a refugee in India. But you won't hear him complain about it nor will you hear him condemn the Chinese. He does not resist what is - he accepts his situation whole heartedly. As a result he is admired around the world for his practical and compassionate attitude.
It made me look at myself and my language..."I am just so BUSY... never have enough time... always rushing... when will it end?" I wondered to myself, is this language creating resistance to what is? YES. Does this line of thinking decrease my suffering? NO. I decided that if something isn't working - CHANGE IT! Why is that so difficult? Complaining without an intention to make changes is a waste of precious energy. The Dalai Lamai's courage to live life FULLY in the present moment really inspires me. Are circumstances so bad? Or is it the thinking that makes it so? It's never too late to begin again.
My new affirmations: I do what I love & I love what I do. I manage the clock by bringing my best self forth in this moment.
Inset photo: Chiang Mai, Thailand (03/06)
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